The world of modern dating - confusing and complicated
Lets face it, if you're single or have been single in the last few years then you've probably been on at least one dating app or site.
I remember the first time I went on a date from a dating app, back in June 2018. Before then I'd just somehow met people in person. The months of constant messaging, from bumble to text messaging, idealising and imaging what they looked like from their photos. So many things were going through my mind as I entered the pub. Will they look like their photos? Will they turn up? Do I look okay? What if they turn up, see me and just leave?. All of this was going round and round in my head.
The date in fact went okay, there were no awkward silences, we shared lots of common interests and they looked similar to their pictures, we had a laugh, enjoyed a few drinks, and hugged at the end. We even agreed to meet again in a week or so. But after a week of texting back and forth, the second date never happened. The messaging just ended, neither one of us really ghosted the other. Just like that, nothing more was to come. I thought to myself "Ah there’s someone else just a swipe away".
Fast forward over 5 years and after going on dozens of first dates, having short relationships, and speaking to many friends, family members and others, you understand this is the norm of modern dating. When we have so many options we build up this fantasy in our head of our ideal partner. We set our expectations too high and get attracted to the idea of what would be perfect in our minds. We seek that by the endless swiping and messaging on dating apps. This huge pool of people can be not just overwhelming, but if we don't find what we want it can have a strong negative impact. For some, they find it easy to match, message, and get a date. For others, it can be endless searching for that ideal partner and even not getting a match at all or your messages answered. Have you ever wondered to yourself "What's wrong with me?".
I used to be one of those people that at one point would nearly just swipe right on everyone to increase my chances of getting matched. But I found sometimes I'd spend so much time swiping and messaging across various apps and sites, not always get the results I wanted back, and this made me unhappy. I could swipe right on 200 girls on tinder and end up with 2 matches, or sometimes none. Ones that if I’d slowed down I would not have swiped right on. You can image how this can have an impact on your mental health and confidence. It can make us look at ourselves and think "What's wrong with me?". We overthink, question ourselves, and wonder "What do I need to do to stand out?" and "What should I set my radius, age range, and how do I get my photos looking perfect?" Then when you do get a match the next step is to send a message. This is like a first impression, an ice breaker. What do you say? What do you talk about? What if they don't respond, should I send another? What the hell do we talk about? Oh god I hope I don't put them off! I found it very stressful. I’d overthink something that really isn't a big deal. It's just a stranger on the internet, right?
Then there's your profile. You can end up putting in so much time and effort working out the best photos to upload, the filters and highlights, perfect angles, group shots and awkward selfies, and photos from years ago which you're not even too sure yourself that you still look like that. Then there's what to put on your bio and how to word it. What do I say about myself? How much should I write? What's too much and what's not enough?. Next is the filters on what you're looking for by setting the age range, distance, height, political views, and so on. It's so time consuming and creates this almost overwhelming pressure to get everything right. Like selling a product online to attract customers and to make some sales! However, we are the product. Here we are at in the paradox of choice. But we chose to be here right?
Online dating and dating in general can be overwhelming. There’s almost too much to think about and consider to a point it just feels forced and unnatural. Thats why so many people feel much better when they delete their accounts and aim to focus on themselves, which a lot of the time means they are less in the virtual fantasy world and more present in the real world. When that happens you can naturally attract people to you, and you can build connections with people in person. You create this image of someone who can survive on their own but is open to having a partner at their side. You can be on your life's purpose and attract the right people. This therefore, can improve our confidence and people skills, and that heart pumping sick feeling of approaching someone in person. Our life is already complete without another. But another is a great addition to it.
If we do finally get a date with someone we’ve met online, most of the time it's a pleasant surprise or disappointment. The way people look and act in person can never be the same as they were online. Sometimes online chemistry and real life chemistry can be completely different. It's hard to read a person just by texting or talking on the phone, it's only when we see them in real life, in the flesh, that real chemistry will happen or not. And that can take time, but first impressions feel as if they matter. Strong connections can be built.
So in conclusion, I’d say the best thing to do would be to focus on yourself and be the person you want to be first before seeking a partner in this way. Focus more on ways to meet people in person. You know, the old fashioned way. But don't give up the opportunity to find love or lust online. Just change your approch. Don't set your expectations too high because you may find that you become constantly disappointed. Use it in moderation and ignore the whole 1-10 rating bull shit. Love yourself first and never see it as finding a partner will "complete you". See it as an addition to your already great life that you are building. Peace.
Introduction to Online Dating
Online dating can be a great way to meet new people. By putting yourself out there whether it's for casual purposes, looking for a relationship and finding ‘the one" or just going with the flow and working out what you’re looking for, there are many apps and sites out there to choose from. With our busy and hectic lives it's a convenient and modern option.
On the other hand, it does have its flaws. The negative effects of the sites can have a major impact on our self esteem and overall wellbeing. Below I've listed a few reasons why that may be:
Competition - With so many people on there it can feel like a competition to get someone's attention. It always seems like we're competing to be the best and stand out from the rest. We are the contestants and our matches or potential matches are the judges. Like a race to the top where the "best looking" are winning. The average looking person can feel unhappy and outnumbered, and that they are unseen or even unacknowledged. It feels like dating apps are designed in a way to put the best looking people at the top of the deck of cards, and that the better looking you are in your photos the more likely you are to succeed. With so many people on dating apps and sites we feel we are constantly competing to be the very best version of ourselves. There are just too many options.
Time - It takes time, and sometimes lots of it! From building up your profile to look "perfect" and appealing, looking through profiles, messaging matches, waiting for and getting a response (if they do respond), keeping a conversation flowing to get to know someone, and arranging dates etc. Although of course it's probably expected to take a while, it can feel like a waiting game which you are investing many hours in, and sometimes not getting the response you’d hoped for. Be careful how much time and energy you invest in seeking someone. Dating apps can be very addictive! it's so easy to sit there endlessly swiping through pictures, reading profiles and sending out messages. A lot of time can be spend just altering and changing your profile too. Moderation is vital to the use of these apps. Really consider how long you'd like to spend on them and whether you're really willing to pay for them too!
Choice - Do you feel like there is just too much choice when it comes to sites and people on them? We’re constantly bombarded with so many people to swipe or like that it can feel overwhelming and become addictive. And for those who get a lot of matches it can be frustrating navigating through all those matches and messages at once. On the other hand, if you feel like you're investing lots of time into swiping or liking and getting little to no matches, connections or messages back, then it can have a crushing impact on our mental health. Swiping right on 100 people and getting nothing back can make you feel down. Also, with the paradox of choice it can make it hard to make decisions. It's like shopping online with the countless amount of websites and products to choose from.
High expectations - You may notice many people online come across as quite picky. Statements like "You must be over 6ft" "You must be able to drive and have a car" "No single parents" and so on. If we don't fit into their category or type it can make us feel like crap, like we’re not good enough for them, and we feel like there's something wrong with us. Online, people tend to look for their dream person or fantasy match more so then if they met someone in person. With it mainly being based on a selection of ones best photos and a brief bio. Unless you look like their type they will not give you the time of day to get to know you and your personality. If a woman is not interested in you because you are too short or a man isn't interested in you because you are a single mum, then that just means you are not right for eachother. Don't feel you have to change that person's mind. It's their problem not yours. There are plenty of people out there that you'll find are right for you. People judge too quickly, and judge the book by its cover so to speak. Everyone has their likes and dislikes when its comes to seeking a partner, and we just have to accept that rejection is part of life. What it's really doing is eliminating those people who are not right for our path and giving us a clear understanding of what we don't want. No matter who you are or where you are from, you'll never fit into everyone category of attraction.
Surprised or disappointed - The first date in person with a stranger you met online can feel like a mix of excitement and wary. If they don't live up to our expectations of what we thought they would look like and be like, it can feel like a waste of time. You see, the image we build up of someone can be very different to the person in reality. Why don't they look like their picture? Why did they lie? Is this really them? We end up building an image of what we want them to be, and sometimes when we meet them in person we are either pleasantly surprised or disappointed.
Ghosting - This is probably one of the biggest negatives of the modern dating world. Being suddenly ignored without explanation whether it's after a good online conversation or a date or two, can hit hard. What happened? What did I do/say? That feeling can affect our self esteem and confidence. We blame ourselves, all those questions and all that thinking that goes through our minds trying to find an answer and explanation. There are many reasons people ghost. The conversations dried out, they have become too busy, someone else that they find more attracted has come along, or maybe they just aren't that interested in you. We ghost and have been ghosted for many reasons. This can be hard if it happens to us because it creates a lack of closure, confusion, and our minds can overthink the situation and seek a solution. We have to just accept it and move on the best way possible.
Behaviour - You will notice the way many people behave online can be quite different to how they would do so in person. It could be the way they speak to you, writing disrespectful and uncomfortable messages, oe even threatening messages. Some people on dating sites are quite happy to troll and send these messages to strangers to satisfy their own desires and ventilate their own frustration. Don't get involved with this, and if someone treats you this way then report and unmatch them.
Overall, I’m not saying you should for the sake of your mental health avoid online dating at all cost, but just be prepared for the worst case scenarios to plan out. Don't forget you are who you are and don't feel like you have to be someone else, or aim too hard to impress others. But Impress yourself. At the end of the day we are all human and have feelings! So take it with a pinch of salt as the saying goes. Don't overthink it too much and see it as an opportunity to put yourself out there and show those potential connections how great you are!
Online dating - First date FAQ
How do I prepare/plan for a first date?
Give yourself at least a day between confirming a date to going on it to give you time to prepare if you can
Agree mutually a time and place ideally halfway between the two of you
Pick somewhere that's a quiet and relaxing location. Such as a walk, coffee shop, pub or restaurant. First dates in general can be awkward at first but once you pass that initial stage there can be lots of talking involved. So a quiet location with something to drink will keep you hydrated and you'll be able to hear each other. Always meet in public first!
Work out how you’re going to get there. Look at parking, bus/train times or the walking route
Have a back up plan just in case they cancel. Like meeting a friend, watching a movie, reading a book or catching up with housework
Think of a few topics for conversation. Anything like hobbies, interests, family/friends, work or study helps you to get to know each other. Prepare a few questions in your head to ask your date
How should I dress?
Wear something that makes you look and feel good! Base it on the weather and what you're planning to do on the date i.e is it a walk or just a coffee indoors somewhere. Most importantly with dress code - Be yourself!
Should I tell someone where I'm going?
Yes! For your own safety and peace of mind always tell a friend, family member or housemate etc where you’re going. Remember you're meeting a complete stranger.
I’m nervous. What should I do?
It is so common to be nervous before a date even for the most confident people out there. Make sure you breathe! and get there early if you can. Find somewhere quiet to relax, gather your thoughts and be calm. Dating should be fun, don’t treat it like you’re going to a job interview. Treat it as if you’re meeting a friend. Follow your gut instinct and tell yourself "I can do this?’’. Whether it goes terribly wrong, or you have an amazing time at least you showed up and you went for it.
How do I greet them?
In recent years with Covid and social distancing there is that loss almost of physical human contact. Where before it would be a handshake or hug, now it could be an elbow bump or a distanced wave. If you unsure then message your date just before you meet to see what they’d be comfortable with. This then avoids that slight awkwardness when you see each other.
What do I talk about?
Talk about anything you feel passionate about, whether that be your job, hobbies, family, ambitions and goals, interests etc. Ask them questions, listen to them, and don't worry too much about what to say next or silences. Sometimes we need a moment to figure what to say next or how to respond to a question.
How long should I wait if they are late?
I'd say depending on if they have messaged you or not to say they are going to be late, then give it half an hour to 45 minutes. This also depends if you had plans for after your date like meeting a friend or going to work.
What's a good idea for a first date?
Go somewhere public! somewhere you feel safe and secure. A drink in a pub, coffee in a cafe, or walk in local park is a good idea. You want to be able to be in a situation where you can relax and chat. This is because usually on first dates you'll doing lots of it! well ideally. Going for dinner can be romantic on a first date but awkward at the same time when you're trying to do lots of talking, and awkward if you have to keep waiting till you've finished your mouthful. Telling your date about the time you went paddle boarding on holiday whilst eating a burger can be a challenge in itself!
Do you feel like you need some guidance on your love life or have a question to ask? If so email findtherightpath@outlook.com for FREE dating advice.